Fifty Shades of May

By Delaney Couri

A few years ago, my mom made a rule for me, one that I believe I have shared in this space before. I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to make any major life decisions in the months of April, May, November, or December. Why those months? Because I am horrible at processing endings and each year when a new semester comes to a close, I completely fall apart.

In past years, it has been incredibly difficult for me to say goodbye to my students or to grapple with the fact that I am moving out of coursework and into a new phase of doctoral work. This year, I will not just be saying goodbye to my friends for the summer or see you later to students I may have in future classes, I will be saying goodbye to the place I have called home for the past ten years.

And while April certainly brought showers, I am not convinced that May will bring me flowers. There is a lot that I anticipate will happen in May… and so much of it will be horrible. And so much of it will be great. And so much of it will be hard, funny, tragic, heartbreaking, exciting, devastating, adventurous. The list goes on and on and I could say much more about what I anticipate May to bring.

In these fifty shades of May, I am navigating new territory with family, friends, and even myself. I defended my PhD in April and became Dr. Couri. In May, I will pack up all of my belongings to move across the county. I anticipate spending time in three states. I will attend celebrations and throw parties and also mourn for more reasons than I can count. I will prepare to start a new job and I will also move away from my entire support system. Grappling with all this at once is, as my therapist says, “more than a lot.” Thankfully, everyone who loves me has recognized this and has given me space to lean into my feelings- however jumbled and complex they may be.

As the clock ticks down on my time in Aggieland and I write this, my final blog after writing for five years, I hope that May surprises me. I hope that the inevitabilities this month brings I can meet with tenacity and grace. And I hope that, in light of it all, I take time to stop and appreciate the flowers… even if they’re shrouded by the pouring rain.