I Encourage You to Rest

By Gabbi Figueroa

Entering into the busyness of this spring semester has presented a new set of challenges to overcome. As a first year PhD student entering into my second semester, it may come as no surprise the building pressure I feel to perform to the best of my ability. I started this semester feeling as though I must prove that my first semester was not a fluke, and that the harder I work, the more merit I possess in my graduate student role. I say this not with gravitas to reiterate that imposter syndrome exists. Rather I want to set the scene of the distress that prompted my search for genuine rest.

Genuinely, how have you been feeling this semester? I know in my lab and in my courses, there is a feeling of busyness that my shoulders tense up just thinking about the stress we are all feeling. I knew that the stress I was experiencing was moving beyond the typical threshold when I started to feel dissociated from the present moment most of the time. I was beginning to feel numb to experiences in my daily life inside and outside the lab. The stress was coming from my own mind and body that was manifesting as feelings of worry about the
increasing workload. This led to such a sense of overwhelming that I was mindlessly completing tasks day to day, but never really getting work done. Full self-disclosure, I felt symptoms of depression taking away my ability to work efficiently, my feeling of joy when listening to music, and my interest in preparing meals for myself was even waning.

As a student of the mind in psychology, I was distressed to find myself in such a position where I was motivated to complete my work but had no energy to even start it. There was a painful tension between what I know I am capable of completing, and what my body was allowing me to do. However, as a student of the mind, I made myself aware of some interventions that could provide relief which started with the basics. Candidly, the foundations to reinvigorating my soul were eating three meals a day, getting 7-8 hours of sleep, and opening the
blinds to let light into my apartment.

I was skeptical of how prioritizing these things would foster change in my feelings of numbness, but I also knew I was not giving myself permission to take care of myself. I would always rush out the door before breakfast, not pack a lunch, and then wonder why I was lacking energy by the end of the day. By starting the routine of packing my lunch, eating breakfast, and having a plan for dinner, I started to feel physical energy slowly return. By opening the blinds in the morning, I learned to love the routine of feeling light fill the apartment. I also gained an appreciation for how closing the blinds would signal to my body that it was almost time to sleep. My internal curiosity allowed me to observe how our bodies crave routine and things that are expected, especially when there is a sense of uncertainty in the day ahead. I feel so appreciative of this semester for showing me the importance of taking care of my basic needs to signal to my heart that I matter and what I need is not superfluous.

Even with my skepticism, I find myself writing to you today feeling a warmth in my heart again and I feel the joy I felt when I first started my PhD. There is no right way to discover joy again after losing its warmth. I know giving myself permission to see my needs as worthy of care and attention was monumental for improving my daily life.

I share this experience to be completely transparent with my struggles as a PhD student trying to find my footing in this intensive program. More importantly, I want to provide hope to those who might find themselves in this place of numbness now. If you feel like you are dragging through daily life or feel a sense of exhaustion in your heart from carrying your burdens, I give you permission to genuinely rest. I implore you to give yourself that same permission.

This process was not an overnight transformation. I continue to need to foster my well-being by reminding myself to seek rest in the form of routine even when it feels less important. I prioritize making sure my foundations are laid before tackling the big scientific endeavors of the day. And so, I ask you, have you eaten enough today? How much sleep did you get last night? Have you had water? What can you do today to set yourself up to take care of yourself tomorrow? Is there anything you can do before the day is over that brings you genuine joy?

You are allowed to take care of your basic needs. I encourage you to seek whatever entails genuine rest for your body and soul. Take some time today to discover what genuine rest means to you.

There is no substitute for mental health care professionals and the profound work they do. If you have ever experienced depression, other mental health concerns, or just need someone to talk to here is the link to the University’s Mental Health services: https://uhs.tamu.edu/mental-health/index.html