I had to loop back around to the house before I was even out of the neighborhood. I had forgotten my little pillow and I needed it for lumbar support. Saying goodbye was horrible. Now, I would have to say, “Whoops, forgot my little pillow. OK, bye again.” Would it even be worth it? My back gives me such pain on long drives and this was going to be a long drive even for someone with plenty to think about. She understood. We exchanged a few more “I love you”s and I backed out of the driveway once more. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so I drove through the night. I had the occasional company of headlights and the headaches they brought. I did some downward-dogs at rest stops. When the sun rose I was at first energized simply because I could now see the world around me, I had never before spent an entire night staring into black highways. I had passed through all of the pretty parts of the drive in the night. The sunlight which had at first illuminated what was around me had shifted to shed light on what was going on inside me. My feelings were a swirling hurricane. I couldn’t even figure out where I was on the spectrum between terrified and pained. Now, as I reflect on the biggest transition stage of my life, the move I made out here to begin working on my doctorate, I am surprised to be thankful for those feelings of fear and pain that pushed me forward then, because I find I learned a lot about love as a result.

What was I afraid of? My mother, of course. Well, at least in part. I had graduated a few months prior and was still actively working as a research assistant but that job was only set up to last a few more weeks. She was convinced that if I spent any time at all outside of academia that I wouldn’t end up going back to school to be a graduate student. I loved being a student and still do, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself when I’m no longer a student. A mother’s wrath is something I desperately wanted to avoid. To leave home so quickly, though, was going to put a ton of stress on my personal relationship. I should’ve stood up for myself, stood up for us, but I was afraid, so I folded. And that’s where the aspect of pain comes in. The pain that this whole ordeal was putting us through must not be for nothing. We had to find a way for us to succeed together, and we did, thanks to selflessness and sacrifice, but not on my part. I had taken a full sprint shoulder charge to the wall of my comfort zone it didn’t budge because I was trying to do it alone. You can’t face life’s biggest challenges without someone you love by your side. If you’re not sure who that person is, they will make themselves known when they come up beside you and push on that wall with you and it finally moves.

--- Cody Gale