Perfectionist Self-Care: A Series

By Gabbi Figueroa

I am a perfectionist. This often is not news to those of us who discover the traits of perfectionists because of our attention to every detail. However, at a recent seminar where the University Health Services presented on “Overcoming Perfectionism”, I discovered how rampant perfectionism was throughout my life. This seminar described the shame hiding behind perfectionism and how the need to be “perfect” acts as a defense mechanism against possible negative perceptions others might have of us. It attempts to do so by “helping” us strive to never slip up.

I always thought of perfectionism as a simple desire to be the best I possibly could be and to stop hindering my growth with limiting beliefs. However, I never stopped to really perceive how deeply my fear of failure was negatively impacting my productivity, my self-worth, and my ability to be myself.

You may empathize with this notion as a high-achieving student pursuing greatness daily in every area of your study. However, there was a distinction made throughout the seminar that is important for you to know: being high-achieving is not synonymous with being a perfectionist. There are a series of distinguishing characteristics with a similar through line that high-achievers take pride in their accomplishments even if the outcome is not perfect and perfectionists see any less-than-perfect outcome as threat to their being. High-achievers are able to adapt and accept failure as an opportunity to grow, whereas perfectionists see failure as unacceptable and must be avoided at all costs. I know that my fear of failure drives me to procrastinate starting writing
projects because it is painful for me to not have a perfect draft in one sitting. (If you are wondering, I did in fact procrastinate writing this blog due to a similar phenomenon).

If you share these perfectionist tendencies or want to help those you know who struggle with perfectionism discover a more peaceful way of being, I want you to know you are not alone. I hope sharing my personal journey towards self-acceptance and compassion as a self-diagnosed recovering perfectionist can shed light on ways you may be able to take care of yourself in a deeper way. Even if you have no connection to perfectionism, I aim to provide you with an account on unique ways self-care can manifest outside of the stereotypical fancy baths and exotic facials.

For a long time, I have ironically been looking for the perfect antidote to my fear of imperfection. As I pondered what a series on self-care for recovering perfectionists should look like, I realized that it would need to be the antithesis of a perfect solution. The first step in this imperfect solution, that I encourage you to participate in as well, is to do inconsequential things wrong on purpose. For me, this means singing a song I know none of the words to, playing a  video game I have never played before, and purposefully trying a hobby I am afraid to even
begin.

These may seem so small that they would not be able to alter my mental pathways that encourage perfectionist tendencies. However, I played a video game this past weekend that I knew I would be bad at. In fact, I was terrible at it! I continued to lose at various stages of the game. My palms were sweating and a headache was coming on from stressing about not getting it right. At the same time, once I caught my tense shoulders and my inner voice shouting at me to be better, I took some deep breaths and tried to have fun with it. I briefly took away the internal expectation that I needed to succeed to be good or have fun. For a while I was laughing and felt happy to be able to have the time to play a game at all.

This exercise was small, and it certainly did not help remove my perfectionist mental framework. It did, however, introduce me to the fact that doing things imperfectly does not make me bad and it will not bring harm to me. I feel like I can see more clearly how my rigid way of thinking that I am either good or bad depending on my performance is the limiting belief I was trying to avoid.

How does one who is driven by a fear of failure and intense drive for perfection come to cultivate self-compassion? I do not hold all the answers, but I think starting by practicing inconsequential failure can be a positive step forward. I can begin to know what it means to be proud of my efforts as opposed to being afraid of negative consequences.