Thirty in a College Town

Today, as I write this, it’s my thirtieth birthday!

You may have read a blog posted recently by a student who is looking at her twenties from the beginning, planning to spend them in graduate school. I’m going to give you some perspective from the  other end, as I am finally finishing my PhD and am just entering my 30s, after over a decade spent as a  student.

Ideally, I would have defended my dissertation at the end of January and been done with all  things school in time for my thirtieth birthday, which I was going to spend snorkeling and hiking in  Hawaii or bird-watching and dancing in Costa Rica. My sister and I had been making plans and looking at  flights early last fall. As you may have discovered however, research doesn’t obey your timeline (to be  fair, I don’t obey my timeline either). Needless to say, my plans to be thirty, flirty, and thriving fell by the way-side as I spend this semester focusing on publications and dissertation writing.

I have this overwhelming, almost debilitating sense of FOMO. Fear that I will miss out on a stellar  thirtieth birthday celebration, fear that I missed out on my twenties. But looking back at my  academically inclined 20s, I’ve learned a little about life. Here are the top 4 things I’ve been reflecting on:

1. Time passes anyway, either do something you really love, or include things that will culminate  into a life you want.

When I moved to Texas to start my master’s degree, I had a roommate who had a little brother.  He was going to Fish Camp the week I moved in—starting his freshman year. I found out a year or two  ago that he finished his master’s degree. Similarly, during my first few years here, I had a good friend who  eventually moved away to go to chiropractic school. She was gone for three years, came back with a  fiancé and a doctoral degree. When she asked what I had been up to, what could I say? I’ve lived in the  same house for seven years, gone to the same gym for six, and worked in the same lab for five. The people around me go from having zero degrees to two; my little brother got married, started a chiropractic practice, had a baby—and I am here working on the same dissertation project.

It’s really easy to feel like the world is passing me by, that my choice to spend my twenties in  graduate school has stunted the progress of my life beyond repair. What adventures have I missed,  spending my youthful years gazing into a microscope, my time off constantly shadowed by the things I  *should* be doing? Maybe I’m not in the best head space to write this, because I want to be hopeful,  but I haven’t moved past the feeling that I’ve missed out. During a chat with my wonderful roommate  recently, we talked about this feeling. I realized that though my environment hasn’t changed over the  past few years, I have. I’ve grown as a scientist and as a friend, I’ve grown emotionally, I’ve gained  resilience I didn’t know I needed, and the list goes on. In some ways, though this time and space has  been so comfortable to me, I think I’m outgrowing it, and I’m ready for whatever comes next. Because  I’ve spent my twenties developing skills and gaining knowledge, the possibilities for what comes next are much broader than I had ten, or even five years ago.

2. Changing your environment won’t change your mindset, you will carry that with you.

I live in the historic district, and so do tons of 20-year old women from the upper middle class. I love  to go on walks each day, and so do they. They walk in pairs or groups of 3 or 4. They drive their white  SUVs, they wear the latest, trendiest athleisure. I was walking and feeling down about myself the other  day. Feeling lonely, feeling old. I saw a group of them walking and I thought, “I am excited to move out  of this neighborhood to somewhere with more people my age and older—I’m tired of feeling inferior. I  will be hotter stuff when I am not surrounded by so many women who are younger and fitter than me”.

As I considered this, I realized a few things. Chief among them is how awful it is to constantly  compare yourself to other people. I’d like to think I don’t do it, but I’ve caught myself doing it more than I care to admit the past few years. It breeds competition and resentment between me and people who  could be friends, and there is no purpose to it. When I do eventually live in a “normal” city that’s not  overrun by college students, there will still be plenty of incredible people I can compare myself to and  find myself lacking. My environment won’t change my mindset. That’s something I have to do for  myself. It’s so easy to wish for an easy way out, but too often it’s my own mind that creates and  amplifies my problems. That will stay with me anywhere I go, so I’d rather choose to change my  mindset.

3. Changing who you spend time with absolutely changes your mindset. Find people you like, people you admire.

Changing your environment won’t necessarily change your mindset or circumstances, but changing the  people with whom you surround yourself will absolutely change you. Friends are so important. I feel  incredibly blessed to have friends who are driven and caring and compassionate. Simply by being  themselves, they motivate me to be better. On the flipside though, when I had friends who prioritized drinking and being selfish, I found myself doing the same. While it was fun in the short term, I’m glad it was only a brief season of my life. It wasn’t fruitful and it definitely didn’t leave me feeling proud of  myself.

I never get tired of talking about why my friends are wonderful, and I hope that you have people you  feel this way about. Since it’s my birthday I will take the time to gush over them a little. I like being  surrounded by people who would rather talk about the feasibility of life on Mars or the history of  Super Bowl commercials instead of gossiping about someone we know. I like when the people around  me are so much smarter than I am that I can only follow along. I like when my friends are passionate and driven, because it helps me to pursue what I love. I like when my friends are stalwart in their character,  when they have beliefs they won’t compromise on, because it encourages me in my convictions. I like  when my friends express their affection easily because it allows me to be more loving to the people I care about. I admire the women I watch the Bachelor with on Monday nights. I admire my advisor and  the other people in my lab for their determined curiosity and kindness and patience. I admire my roommate and her thoughtfulness and ability to care about so many people with incredible specificity. I am surrounded by people who I want to be like, and it makes life so much fun. More than anything else, while you’re in your twenties, find friends that you can admire.

While we are talking about it, you will be surprised at which friends stick around and which fade  into the past. Embrace the ones who stay, stay connected to who you value, and allow the ones who  stay to grow, just as they let you grow.

4. You need therapy.

And it’s a good thing! As we grow up, we craft these beliefs and mindsets and habits that protect us  for so long. As adults, these protections become little cages for us, walls that can keep us from what we  want. It was so liberating for me to talk to an unbiased, third party person who was paid to listen to me  and help me. He talked me out of mindsets that held me back and gave me tools to move forward. Plus,  we are in graduate school in 2022. This means two things. The first is that, statistically speaking, we probably have mental health struggles. The second is that our therapy is PAID FOR by the university. So  go. Sign up. Maybe you’ll have one session and realize that you are doing pretty good and don’t need to  continue sessions right now-but the door is open and it’s so much easier to go back if you do need it.  Likely, you’ll go and talk for an hour and realize how liberating it can be. So take advantage of it while it’s free to you, and don’t be afraid to let someone help you unwind your thoughts.

When I was a freshman in college, I remember a graduate student saying that the biggest difference between a freshman and a recent graduate was one mindset: Freshmen believed that they were great and knew it all and didn’t need to change. The hallmark of growth was knowing your shortcomings and  the ways you wanted to grow and change. As a freshman I thought that was absurd, because I didn’t  want to change. Luckily, I’ve grown enough to know I need to grow. It’s something that fills me with  excitement and hope.