March 2019
What a better way to start my journey?
I applied, and about a month later, I received word that I was one of the ten chosen undergraduates to attend the conference as an NASW Travel Fellow. I could hardly contain my excitement. The joy only increased when I received notification of my acceptance to graduate school a couple of weeks later.
Maybe I am cut out for this.
As I approached graduation for my bachelor’s program, the initial excitement from being accepted to grad school and winning the fellowship began to wear off—as did the confidence. Although I have always taken a liking to writing, I knew nothing about it as a career. My bachelor’s degree was in biomedical science. All I knew was science, science, and more science.
Who am I kidding? I can’t do this.
A couple of days after graduation, I received another email from my future grad program.
Oh, no. They’ve changed their mind. They are having the same doubts as me. They know I am an impostor.
Quite the opposite. I was offered a Graduate Assistantship to be a teaching assistant.
Wait. You mean you want me to help undergraduates write better…something I don’t even have the confidence to do myself?
Well, okay… somebody sees something in me. All three of these joyous accomplishments led to an overwhelming amount of encouragement from my friends and family. Everyone was so proud of me. I didn’t want to let anybody down.
I can do this.
I started my graduate program and it took only one week of class to see a blatant difference in myself. I was happy. I was enjoying what I was learning. I was doing something that I actually enjoyed doing for once.
Assignments were fun. Class discussions were engaging. Textbooks were worth reading.
Flash forward to the second week of February of this year, and it was time to go to the AAAS meeting. I had a couple weeks of graduate classes under my belt. I was excited, but again, my confidence began to slip.
I have never written a news story. Working with an editor? That’s only something I have read about it.
Quite frankly, I was intimidated. From email introductions, the other nine fellows all seemed to have more experience and a clear path to where they were heading. We all anxiously awaited to finally meet each other, but I couldn’t help but be nervous that they would all find me a joke. “You’ve never written a news story? Yikes. How are you going to even complete this fellowship?” is what I pictured the others saying to me. (Spoiler alert: This definitely did not happen even in the slightest)
I read everything I could about attending a conference, writing about conference sessions, and forming news story. I was prepared as I could be.
I arrived Thursday evening and immediately settled into the hotel. My session I was assigned to cover was the next morning, and I was not going to put myself at any disadvantages by being sleepy or cranky.
I arrived at the conference super early and nervously waited outside the room of my session. Nobody seemed to be as anxious as me.
Oh yeah…I am the imposter here. I wear a ‘PRESS’ badge, but I am the furthest thing from a reporter.
Once the session before mine let out, I hustled into the room. I had to sit in the front row. I have poor eyesight. I didn’t want to be distracted by anyone sitting in front of me. I wanted to completely settle in before the session.
Computer? Check. Recording app? Check. Paper? Check. Pen? Check.
I am ready.
The session began and the speakers were amazing. The session discussed the effects of early life adversity on brain development. The science was amazing. My fingers moved frantically to type everything I could. (Sidenote: I was recording this. Why did I think I should type everything? This was an obvious tell-tale sign of my novice status.)
Session over. Great. I think I have great notes. I think I have a great understanding of what the talk was about. I think I have a great idea where I am going to go with my story.
I immediately begin writing my paper after the session ends.
This session was about...backspace, backspace, backspace...At a session today of the AAAS meeting…backspace, backspace, backspace…I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING…backspace, backspace, backspace.
I wasted an hour attempting to write before I decided to get some brain food and take a break. To no surprise to me, it did not help. I still couldn’t write anything.
See, I knew I couldn’t do this.
That same evening, I had a packed schedule. We had an orientation to our fellowship, an orientation to the mentorship program, and an NASW Travel Fellow reunion dinner. I definitely thought I would have at least half a draft written by the time these events came around. Instead, I had half a page of jumbled thoughts and fragmented sentences.
These events also marked the first meeting with the other NASW travel fellows. Everyone was so nice. Everyone was so spirited. Hours went by as we attended all our engagements. I loved getting to talk and get to know everyone. Even the people I was most intimidated by, turned out to be very similar to me, too. Nobody knows exactly what they are doing all the time. Some had a better idea than me or they had more experience than me, but they shared the same fears and doubts. We talked and laughed, and for almost a split second, I had forgotten about my failure of a draft.
My paper. Oh no. It is never going to get done. It is 7:30 p.m. My first draft is due in 16 hours. I still need to ride the Metro back to my hotel. I still need to shower. I still need to sleep. I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE.
I listened to my recording at least twice all the way through. I probably listened to parts of it seven or eight times. There was a lot of frantic typing. There was a lot of disappointed backspacing. There were a lot of tears.
I am not cut-out for this field. I can’t write ONE paper.
Finally, at 1 a.m. I called it quits. I had a story. I didn’t necessarily want to attach my name to it, but I had a story. I emailed it to my editor the next morning.
Here is part of what I received back that afternoon:
I expected this. I encouraged this. I told my editor to “make it bleed”. I was going to make all those tears and frustration worth it—I was going to learn something.
I should mention that my editor happened to be my mentor for the mentorship program, too. Beyond my paper, she provided so much advice and guidance about the science communication field. She gave me suggestions on what communities to get plugged into and gave me insight into what the freelancing part of science communication looks like. A wealth of knowledge would be an understatement.
Okay, my first draft was bad…but my editor is encouraging. She wants to me succeed. I can do this.
With every revision, the amount of red marking from my editor decreased. I was getting better. I was learning something.
For the rest of the conference, I worked back and forth with my editor to finally come up with a final product. The highs and lows did not stop throughout the process. That’s what it was: a process.
In between edits, I attended more sessions. I learned more about science. I visited plenty of D.C. I walked a lot— 32.94 miles, to be exact, from Thursday the 14th to Monday the 18th. I hung out with the other travel fellows. I cherished every moment.
I am leaving the conference with a newfound motivation. Practice makes perfect and I would go through one hundred more nights like the one when I was writing my first draft if it meant I could have this entire experience again.
There is no question that I will continue to have this roller coaster of emotions as I continue with this career. This conference will not eliminate my self-doubts moving forward; however, I know I will be able to remember how this struggle had a bright ending and use that as a motivator.
I went in with the intention of using this travel fellowship as a jumpstart to my future in science communication, and it did just that. I gained so much exposure to the science communication field and the opportunities available. I gained real experience with reporting on a conference and hey, I am walking away with my first published clip. Most importantly, I am leaving with nine new, likeminded friends. We may all live thousands of miles apart, but I will be rooting for each of them from way down here in College Station, TX.
Oppositely from the first draft, I am proud to attach my name to this one. I would really appreciate it if you would view my article here: https://www.nasw.org/article/addressing-early-life-adversity-answer-mental-illness
If you are an undergraduate interested in science communication or a graduate student that knows and undergraduate who is, check out the fellowship I received here and be on the lookout for next year’s application cycle: https://www.nasw.org/article/aaas2019
Do you just like science and interested in the conference I attended? Check out AAAS here: https://www.aaas.org/
Please leave your comments below. I would love to hear what you think of my experience or hear about a similar experience of yours!
--- Courtney Adams
Courtney Adams is a Masters student in the College Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences