I should be writing my dissertation right now. 

Instead, I am writing two cover letters, two teaching statements, two values statements, two summaries of my dissertation, two scholarly impact statements, one diversity statement, and one research productivity statement. I am “statement”ed out. (No, that is not a word, but I wrote that statement to show you just how tired my brain is.) 

What are all these various statements for? One of three things: dissertation fellowship applications, job applications, and the Three Minute Thesis (3MT) competition. If granted, the fellowship applications would provide me with funding during the spring semester so that I could focus on writing my dissertation without having to worry about teaching at the same time. Ironic, given that the current reason I have not had time to write my dissertation is because I am too busy applying for fellowships. Fellowship applications are important, but job applications are even more important. Clearly, if my job applications are well received, that will ensure that when I graduate, I will have a livable wage and job security waiting for me. My 3MT presentation has smaller stakes than job applications or fellowship applications in terms of both prospects and monetary significance, but it is more important in terms of making an impact on the community. It is important to me that my dissertation work does not get “stuck” within the walls of the academy, so using opportunities to present my work to lay audiences is paramount in my self-fulfillment as I come to the close of my program. 

Thus, even though I feel a bit discouraged about my writing process in this moment, I know that all of the various other statements that I am writing will contribute to my future success… even if delayed gratification is difficult to swallow. The other main issue I face outside of time constraints is the scattered repetition of information. In other words, am I being consistent each time I am asked (in a slightly different way) to summarize my dissertation or research goals? 

Honestly, I am not sure. The joke that I made to my mom was, “I have written SO much about how great my dissertation is going to be that I have had little time to actually figure out what it IS.” I have been asked multiple times what the “scholarly impact” of my dissertation is or “how it contributes to my discipline” or “what good my work is doing for the humanities” and truthfully, I am not quite sure. It could be risky to admit that, but the goal of my public facing writing has always been in part to demystify the PhD process, so I think honesty serves me well in this moment as I admit my faults and doubts. I think it all comes down to the boldness to declare my dissertation the best thing since sliced bread while maintaining a posture of humility in that, I won’t truly know what good my dissertation will do in the world until I write the thing. 

This process feels precarious and untimely, which is what the title of this blog post indicates. To get a fellowship which will help give me time to write a dissertation which will give me what I need to make an impact through a competition like 3MT and which will maybe earn me a job requires me to write about the end result of this process before I’ve even started it. It is a mindset that requires me to hurry up and apply for money and jobs and a preliminary 3MT spot by the end of October…and then wait three months for the money to come through, five months for the final 3MT competition, and ten months for the faculty position to start. And all of those milestones are dependent upon a dissertation that I won’t finish writing until mid to late spring. 

Maybe it is my anxious brain, maybe I am behind, or maybe I am right where I need to be, but October is certainly not turning out to be my favorite month this year. I have to end this blog post now because I just received an email that I am indeed eligible for a fellowship that I originally thought I was not. Good news! But also another set of statements to write without guarantee of any payoff. Off I go, to hurry up and get my materials together so that for the remainder of the semester I can wait to hear back (or be ghosted) by a large number of prominent institutions and organizations. 

Hurry up and wait indeed.