Spread Too Thin, aka, My Journey Seeking a Salary and Cupcakes

Delaney Couri

When I sat my two favorite professors down to ask them to be my advisors, their first question was quite simple. “So, why us?” They wanted to know why I chose them as individuals and why I chose them as a collective.

My answer was just as simple and true as their question: “Trust me, I’m too much for one of you to handle.” I think they laughed, I think we all did, but my response wasn’t entirely a joke. Academically I bounce from topic to topic like a runaway bouncy ball, deciding to be a rhetorician one week and a social scientist the next. I study higher education, sometimes, music, sometimes, faith, sometimes, queerness, sometimes.

Sometimes I navel gaze, convinced that the tiniest inconvenience in my life must be shared with others-- and written about. I am either incredibly quiet or incredibly loud, and having two advisors means that when I need support most days of this crazy journey we call graduate school, I can bounce between their offices and not overload their days with my questions and musings.

I do the same thing with my jobs. If I am not feeling particularly successful in my church work, I’ll turn my attention to my research assistantship. When I am uninspired there, I go instead to classwork. I spread myself so incredibly thin so that every initiative I touch just gets the slightest bit of Delaney… a Delaney big enough to overwhelm any of these people or jobs if I brought my full self to the work.

While spreading myself this thin keeps any one area from having “too much Delaney,” it is also the best insurance, the best medicine, the best armor to defend against failure. Since I have three jobs and three classes, it is a rare occurrence that I am failing them all at the same time (although, these past few weeks… that’s a separate blog). Spreading myself this thin keeps me from ever feeling like a full failure.

However, spreading myself this thin keeps me from ever feeling like a full success, too. It keeps me from ever feeling fully fulfilled because I never allow myself to fully dive into one job, project, or class. In metaphorical terms, I am keeping all six boats afloat, but all of them are also always taking on water, just waiting to sink.

It seems like my defense mechanism, my safety net… is actually holding me back. Putting up walls is a great way to protect yourself, but it also makes it significantly harder to fully see the sun. My walls, my jobs, they keep me safe, but they also keep me trapped. Now, before I go further, let me make it clear that I am not advocating for quitting any of them. I love what I do. Here, there, everywhere. I have a personal rule that I don’t do things that I don’t love- so, if I am doing something, my heart must be as invested as my head.

If that’s the case, what can I do to simultaneously keep myself involved and open without spreading myself this thin? The answer to this comes from the unlikeliest of places. You see, I had a great day recently, full
of parties, friendship, and scholarly as well as personal joy. During this day, one of my professors said how much she loves her job and how amazing it is that she gets a salary to do something she loves. Jumping onto that, one of my dearest friends added in, “And cupcakes! You get a salary and cupcakes.” I was so happy that day that I went home that night and thought to myself, “This is it, this is everything I want! I am living the life of someone who has a salary and cupcakes.”

Fast forward to a week later where I am realizing that, beyond the shiny veneer of a salary and cupcakes that seems to characterize my life, I am actually spread too thin. And I don’t want to be spread this thin anymore.

So, how do I combat this? This wildly swinging pendulum of emotion that I find myself caught up in? This uncertainty in myself and my progress that oftentimes gets overlooked because of the positive spin I try to always apply to my life?

First, by recognizing that the pendulum is not a bad thing and overanalyzing it is less helpful than it seems. I am changeable, I have always been changeable, but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. My brain is always working on problems in the background, so, while that veneer always keeps everything looking shiny and ideal, deeper down, my inner life is much more tumultuous than it may seem outwardly.

Second, by acknowledging that I am not defined by my bad days or my good days. There is a difference between having a bad day in a good situation or having a good day while in a bad situation. And, lately, I think I have found myself living more in the latter than the former.

Third, by working hard and digging deep to find out what my own personal version of a salary and cupcakes is. Is it teaching? Advising? Consulting? Being in student services? In ministry? In diversity, equity, and inclusion work?

Fourth, figuring out what needs to be done to get myself out of the trap of being spread too thin, and more importantly, figuring out how to stay out of that trap.

Taking that all into account, it becomes clear what I have to do. Instead of accepting every invitation on a whim and saying yes, instead of spreading myself too thin out of the fear that opportunities are passing me by, I have to fully trust that the experiences, moments, and opportunities that are meant for me, I will say yes to. And the ones that aren’t? I have to say no so that I can say yes.

I am learning that I don’t actually need to spread myself too thin to discover what it is that makes me feel like I am living the dream, getting a salary and cupcakes. I am different now than I was in the past, saying yes to everything and hopelessly bouncing life trajectories, finding myself in spaces I more fell into and stuck with rather than truly wanted to be in.

I am a little smarter. A little gentler. A little kinder. And a little more courageous. And I get more and more that way everyday. I think I am getting closer to finding my salary and cupcakes. And, as much as it surprises me, the person who has survived on spreading themself too thin, I am getting there by taking things out of my life rather than adding them.

So later today, I am going to go take my graduate student “salary” and buy myself some cupcakes to celebrate the fact that I am secure enough in myself --to not be too much or too little, to succeed and fail--to stand out from behind all of my disguises, and say, here I am, unafraid of saying no to get what I want.